Thursday, October 22, 2009

Home Improvement. Fan Fiction.

Wouldn't this be a weird scene on HOME IMPROVEMENT. Obviously Tim is Tim Allen and Jill is Patricia Richardson.

INT: The Taylor's Living Room. Midday.

Don't forget to mail that today, Jill!

Tim, I won't forget... if anyone is forgetful around here it's you.

(Agging her on)
Oh and who forgot to pick up Brad from soccer practice?

Tim, that was six years ago and it wasn't the most normal of circumstances.

(Not paying attention, messing with some tools or something handy)
Oh.... really.... Jill.... where were you?

That was the day you hung up the Christmas lights. So I was in the emergency room.... with you.

(Big laugh. Laugh dies. Tim takes a beat)

Oh.... right.... speaking of which we've got to get a new Baby Jesus this year.

(Laugh. Jill drinks a swig of Diet Coke, smacks her lips with the soda taste and says)

And a third wise man.

Every one continues laughing but no one is sure why, how, or what for. Tim steps forward and breaking the fourth wall, actually acknowledges the audience for the first time in the sitcom's entire history. It is a shocking and weird moment for everyone watching. It freaks people out big time, like if your reflection all the sudden winked at you. Some people are trying to get out of the studio, screaming and running, some are just frozen... terrified.... not sure..... scared to move. Tim doesn't say anything, he just grins....this scary Grinch like grin, then he slowly pulls down his pants, without stopping eye contact with the camera, and frat house style moons the audience. His testicles sort of hang out over his underwear around his thighs in a weird obscene way. Everyone stops leaving and they all begin laughing again, eventually it evolves into overwhelming sitcom cheering. There is applause.

Digitally, the butt opens up and begins to eat away the scene like Miss Pacman (the way the show always used to go to commercial or another scene with that kind of animation). Eventually the screen just says


And we hear Tim make that weird sound he always made on the theme music.

and they go to commercial

1 comment:

  1. Are you sure they didn't do that once?

    My husband insists that Tim Allen just wants to take his shirt off in every show or movie he's in.